In the magical world of Harry Potter, “Unspeakables” are the secretive operatives of the Department of Mysteries – so secret is their work that all are forbidden to even speak of it. At BetterCulture, we’ve reimagined this term to describe a different kind of mystery: one that exists quietly in workplaces everywhere.
An Unspeakable is not a job title, but a workplace dynamic. An Unspeakable is created when negative emotions – often fear, anger, or hurt feelings – linger after an interaction but remain unspoken. These unaddressed feelings quietly gnaw away at relationships, productivity, and team cohesion.
Unspoken Tension Undermines Performance
You know the feeling. You’ve had an interaction with someone else that left you feeling…frustrated, offended, belittled, unheard, annoyed, rejected, etc. etc. etc.
But you haven’t talked about it with the other person. Ugh. No fun, right?
Now imagine that you’re asked to collaborate with that person on a project, ask that person a question, schedule a client call with that person.
Might that earlier interaction – and any unresolved emotions – affect your ability to work together? Of course it would! Yet this exact phenomenon happens thousands of times a day in workplaces around the world.
People sense the tension. At least one of the parties – and usually both – know that something feels off. But neither have the courage to talk about it. Why? Because it’s uncomfortable. Even risky.
The result? The relationship may appear intact on the surface even though it’s resting on fragile ground, just waiting to break down – or erupt – under pressure.
What an Unspeakable Is – and Isn’t
Addressing an Unspeakable isn’t the same as offering feedback or airing a complaint. Those involve communicating about more routine behaviors and interactions.
An Unspeakable contains a deeper – more emotional – component. It involves lingering, unresolved feelings that subtly (or maybe not-so-subtly) sabotage an ongoing relationship or connection.
Unspeakables often lack a perfect “right” or “wrong.” They aren’t usually conflicts that feel like reportable HR issues. They’re feelings – caused by certain interactions – that are harming collaboration and would benefit from being spoken and addressed.
Should All Unspeakables Be Discussed?
Should all Unspeakables be discussed? Nope. Not every negative emotion needs unpacking. Some stem from fundamental differences in values or personality traits that aren’t easily changed. It is a sign of maturity when we can accept colleagues – quirks, blind spots, and all.
However, most Unspeakables would benefit from being thoughtfully spoken out load. Often, one – or both – parties will feel a reduction in stress and tension. And both their individual and collective performance will be likely to improve if they are able to discuss and constructively resolve a previously Unspeakable conflict.
Most Unspeakables lose their power when openly acknowledged and discussed; the air can be cleared and trust can be restored.
Why It’s Hard to Talk About the Unspeakable
There are three big barriers to addressing an Unspeakable:
- Fear of looking weak
- Fear of being rejected or dismissed
- Fear of violating workplace norms that treat emotion as off-limits
But the courage to protect solid interpersonal relationships is essential to team and cultural health.
You can’t promote a culture of psychological safety and trust – two of the most essential attributes of team performance – if team members are carrying around unspoken emotions.
Don’t dodge these conversations. Feelings matter – they shape your people, your team, and your results.
What’s the Right Way to Address an Unspeakable?
Consider this real-world example: In a casual hallway chat, a CEO (John) made a casual remark that unintentionally hurt an employee (Jen). Unaware of the impact, John went about his day.
Later, Jen approached him and said, “John, our relationship matters to me, and something you said earlier has been weighing on my mind. Do you have a minute to talk about it?” John welcomed the conversation, quickly understood Jen’s perspective, and sincerely apologized. Jen’s courage to address the Unspeakable not only protected their relationship, it strengthened it!
Leaders: The First Step Is Yours
Despite the example above, which took exceptional courage from a subordinate Jen, skilled supervisors know that it’s their responsibility to initiate these conversations.
Yes, it takes guts to open up a conversation when you may not even be entirely sure if an issue exists – or what that issue is. But it’s even harder for a direct report to initiate these vulnerable conversations with their manager. When leaders model emotional courage, they spark cultures of trust, openness, and resilience.
Great relationships don’t just survive the gusts of openness – they thrive on them.
Want more?
This concept of addressing Unspeakables is just one of 56 lessons BetterCulture teaches in our On-Demand MindSet Leadership Program. If you want leaders in your organization to learn to build and protect a world-class workplace culture, fill out this form. We’ll be happy to customize a leadership development offering that fits your unique needs.
